How to move on from pet loss
Overcoming the loss of a pet can take time, and the mourning process will be different for everyone. Here are some things you can do to help process the grief over the loss of your pet, based on my own experiences of losing a beloved pet.
Things you can do to help you recover from pet loss
Plant something pretty in your garden, like a jasmine bush or some flowers.
Write a poem about your pet.
Call a friend and ask them how they are: talking about their issues will make you feel better about your own and may just get you a little sympathy along the way.
Spend time with other animals, maybe at a friend’s or at the local animal rescue.
Consider welcoming a new pet into your home. This may seem like cold and untimely advice to some, but the fact is that you have loads of love within you to give, and so many animals out there are desperate for that kind of care and devotion
Consider fostering puppies, bunnies, or kittens. I started doing this soon after Phantom and Tiger Lily died (2 weeks apart): What better antidote to death than new life! You get to lavish your little charges with care and love, and you feel like a worthwhile human being along the way; and the commitment is short-term and manageable.
Create a personalised pet memorial. If the thought inspires you, I make a few suggestions on how to do this in my blog on ‘Pet Memorial Ideas’.
Again, be sure to remember that when you love someone you want them to do well, and your pet would want the same for you. Our pets love us in a way that is truly special, and that’s what makes them our special companions. Go ahead and honour this love by taking good care of yourself.
Things to remember when coping with pet loss
You may have a cloudy brain from the shock - the psychological effects of grief can be physical.
The shock from pet grief is intense but other people may not accept or understand it as such. This doesn’t make it any less valid: allow yourselve to grieve, and if things get really intense, consider seeing a grief counselor or psychologist.
When you are grieving the loss of a pet, you must remember to take especially good care of yourself, not as a selfish act, but as a way of honouring your pet’s love for you. Pet loss leaves a void in your life: the house suddenly becomes quiet; you suddenly have more time on your hands, Be sure to fill that void with good things.
How long does it take to get over pet loss?
For me, my first pet loss, when Silverstar died, was the most intense, largely because it was at once the first time and because it was so hard to deal with the fact that he’d died without me by his side to nurture him through whatever pain and fear he was feeling. Like I’ve said before, I was in shock for six weeks and barely left the house. When I lost Tiger Lily and Phantom, both due old age, at nearly eighteen, a few months ago, however, the experience was very different, and much easier to travel through: I miss them, but I’m not an emotional wreck. By contrast, when old Abe died, after living only a year with me, a year throughout which I had to do a lot of nursing as he was quite frail and ill, my heart felt like a rock for six weeks. The time it takes for someone to get over pet loss will vary from person to person and pet to pet. It’s important to give yourself the time and grace you need to deal with the loss of your pet. Be patient with yourself, and work through the above suggestions more than once if you need to.
How to prepare for the loss of a pet?
You may have foreknowledge that you’re going to lose your pet, as I did with Silverstar: six months before he died, he was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and was given six months to a year to live, at the end of which there would be another, and final, attack of cardiomyopathy. From the moment I received the diagnosis, I treated every moment with him as the last one I might have, and the long term result of this was that I ended up having a beautiful dream about him, one that alleviated me of all the sadness and guilt I had been feeling for the four years since he had died.
So, pay a lot of slow and careful attention to your beloved pet: try to absorb every memory you can, of all sorts of things, from the sounds they made when they were eating to the tiniest of details, like how delicate was the fur between their little paw pads. Also, when pets are ill or growing old, sometimes they start communicating a lot more than in earlier days. The conversations you have with a sick or elderly pet are really important. They’re important for your pet - their care, their comfort and fear level - and they’re important for you because you gain a deeper relationship with your pet. You learn how much they need, value and trust you.
Make sure you give yourself a lot of space to spend time with your pet. If you need to, ask that the people in your life respect this space and allow you to cherish it.
Be mindful of your time with your pet
When you pick up your pet, feel the weight of them - think about their little bones and their soft fur. Focus on the feeling of having them in your arms;
Watch how their body responds when you stroke them from their head to their tail - or the sound they make then you scratch them behind their ears;
Think about how they smell when you cuddle them;
Watch them for a few minutes and notice what they do. How they stand, how they play, the sound of their little paws tapping - all whilst accept they way they are;
Feel their breath on your face and heart beat against your own;
Play with them! Be fully present and watch them as they play. Think about how much you want to remember that moment.
Record memories of your pet
Write down the special things they do that you don’t want to forget;
Take lots of photos of them;
Consider a professional photoshoot. A professional photoshoot allows people to be more present in the experience as well as guaranteeing good quality photos that might capture things you’ll otherwise miss. You might want the detail of their coat, face, brown eyes. Photos on your phone might miss special details, like little tufts of hair, or endearing markings;
Start to create a personalised pet memorial.
Your pet’s quality of life
Spoil them rotten! You don’t have to count their calories anymore so feed them their favourites whenever they want them;
Identify their favourite things to do and treat them with opportunities to do them;
Don’t worry about the house rules! Maybe your cat tries to eat food from your dinner plate: let them! If you’ve been shooing your dog off your favourite sofa because of their sticky, messy fur, let them stay there and don’t worry about the mess. You’ll make their day!
Pet mindfulness exercise
6 minute exercise to increase your mindfulness toward your pet.
Pick one suggestion appropriate to each of your senses and treasure the experience:
How they look when they play
How they smell
The sounds they make - their claws tippy-tapping on the floor as they trot around. Their purr or bark - their stretch, sneeze or yawn
How they feel. When you pick up your pet, feel the weight of them - think about their little bones and their soft fur. Focus on the feeling of having them in your arms.
Now take some photos and/or write down a few words about each of the senses. Just some notes in your phone will do. Above all, remember to revel in the memory of each sensory experience loving your pet gives you, for those memories will ultimately be the things that will nurture you, and heal you, when you face the loss of your pet.